The power and the key to mastering the self

Self-awareness is a simple concept, yet we don’t master it in the little ways nor see it in front of our eyes every day. Simple but by no means common. Self-awareness is so rare that only 10–15 % of people are truly self-aware.

Many of us say we are self-aware… We may have everything figured out — our goals and ambitions. Have our emotions in check. Know how to regulate feelings based on different situations, whether at work or home. Are good at making sound decisions. Know our strengths and weaknesses and how to play them to your advantage.

Self-awareness IS about knowing your feelings and thoughts, also known as internal self-awareness, and your ACTIONS — external self-awareness — what are you doing? These actions and how they affect you and those around you. We don’t live in a bubble, yet what we do sometimes says otherwise.

Is self-awareness so exclusive that it evades 85–90% of us? I’ve come across some — I believe — average examples in my day-to-day life:

• People walking towards me— this can be anywhere, and don’t even consider moving a little to the left or right to accommodate me passing. I find myself accommodating others by giving way or making room to pass.
• People who cut the queue and pretend like it’s normal to do so. I refrain from saying anything and let it slide because I don’t want to sweat the small stuff. But guess what? Small has the potential to become big stuff.
• People who ignore the litter they just walked by. Do we all not have an obligation to take care of our earth, the planet we live on that provides for us? We can all do our part, no matter how small. I didn’t do wrong by throwing it on the ground, but I can do right by picking it up.
• People who don’t clean up after their pets. That’s a straight-up disregard for others. Let me put it this way — imagine they had a child and didn’t dispose of a dirty diaper! It’s called responsibility.
• People who don’t shift up on a bus or train or boat (I observed this recently on a snorkelling tour boat in Maui) to give room for someone to sit as they look away and pretend not to notice. Oh, and by the way, Covid had nothing to do with it.
• People who speak loudly on their mobile phones while in the company of others. Is this regarded as rude or inconsiderate? Both. And a lack of self-awareness. There are other options: remove yourself or lower your voice.

These incidents make the rest of us feel like we are timid. It used to make me feel like that, not commanding a presence. When, in fact, I try to be aware, considerate, and conscious of my actions and their impact on others.

“Self-awareness is one of the rarest of human commodities. I don’t mean self-consciousness where you’re limiting and evaluating yourself. I mean being aware of your own patterns.” — Tony Robbins

How to Tell That You Lack Self-Awareness

Who wants to hear that they lack self-awareness? NO-ONE! We see it as looking out for ourselves and protecting our needs and desires. Yet, we have to take a deep hard look at ourselves and accept what is so we can change for the better. Because we can have the best of both worlds — still have our needs taken care of while being self-aware.

It’s human nature not to know what you’re lacking. That is not being aware that you’re not self-aware. To give you an idea, here are some signs:

Sign 1: You think you are better than everyone else. And that may be true in some sense, but there is always room to improve.

Sign 2: You are resistant to change. In my books, the biggest obstacle to growth.

Sign 3: You focus more on yourself. Shift the focus and attention to your actions and behaviours. There is a difference.

Sign 4: You can’t take criticism or feedback. Developing the ability to accept your limitations means you are open to improving.

Sign 5: You resist being vulnerable. How do we become self-aware without revealing the vulnerabilities and weaknesses we try to hide deep down? My definition of being self-aware is vulnerability.

Sign 6: You live on autopilot. Actions without thought behind them lead to disregard and detachment. We live with an illusion of self-awareness.

How to Seek Self-Awareness?

Self-awareness is like a muscle. We already have it in us, but it only develops with practice and incorporating the following five skills:

1. Self-Acceptance

Face it, own it, and overcome it. Consciousness breeds acceptance which breeds self-awareness.

I’m the one who cuts the queue, doesn’t pick up after my dog, is inconsiderate of others on the bus, whatever it is. There are some things in your control and some out of your control. Know the difference.

Ask why. Why am I cutting the queue? Because I was late? Why was I late? Because I don’t manage my time better. Was that in my control? Yes. What isn’t right now? The queue. What can I do about it? Wait at the end of the line, find out what’s causing the long queue, how long is the wait, or come back another time. Accepting our actions and the situation for what it is is so much easier than fighting it.

See this as an uplifting exercise, not something to make you feel worse or be judgemental. Use it like a springboard to take you from feeling crappy to making progress.

“Self-awareness involved deep personal honesty. It comes from asking and answering hard questions.” — Stephen R. Covey

2. Facing the Truth

Ask yourself why you do what you do. What are the reasons behind you cutting the queue? Maybe you are in a rush or don’t want to miss out on buying something. Think that everyone else in that queue also has a reason? So what makes you deserving over them?

Asking these kinds of questions is how you evaluate your actions and how they relate to others. What the impact of your actions? Be honest with yourself and admit when you do wrong.

Lead with empathy for yourself and others. Be kind, compassionate, courteous, and respectful how you expect treatment. You might or might not get feedback (or wrath) for cutting the queue. Either way, put yourself in their shoes and see their perspective on how your actions affect them.

“A lack of self-awareness is poison. Reflection and review is the antidote.” — James Clear

3. Mindfulness

Mindfulness increases awareness of your mind, body, and environment, including people. An easy way to incorporate this into everyday life is to pay attention to daily tasks.

When going for a walk in your neighbourhood, are you aware of what you see or hear? When you’re washing the dishes, notice how much foam or bubbles the soap makes or the technique you use to clean. It sounds rudimentary, simple even, but with a purpose. It teaches us to be deliberate in our focus, curious about why we doing things, and consistent with our intentions.

“By becoming self-aware, you gain ownership of reality; in becoming real, you become the master of both inner and outer life.” — Deepak Chopra

4. Breathing or Meditation

I’ll start by acknowledging that mindfulness and meditation, in particular, are not new concepts. Originating and dating eons ago, today, meditation still is the basic building block for mind and body wellness. Its benefits, in my opinion, can’t be stressed enough or often enough.

The most effortless yet profound way to start is to concentrate on your breath. How many of us are in tune with our breathing? Do you even notice when your breathing accelerates — when on a roller coaster ride or watching a horror movie, or when it slows down — like sitting in a relaxing bath or watching a sunset?

Something as primitive as closing your eyes and feeling the air going in and out of your body can help control emotions and behaviour, shift your mindset and train you to be more self-aware of your internal state and, ultimately, the external environment.

5. The Art of Observation

We know that not everyone gives feedback on your actions and how they may affect them. Observation is like non-verbal communication. Body language, demeanour, and expressions are all dead giveaways on how people perceive you (think about you), react to you (feel about you), and respond to you (positively or negatively). Observing with detachment is effective observation where you separate what you notice from the meaning.

Last Thoughts

It’s a stretch saying we can achieve awareness 24/7/365. We are human, after all. But we can at least try to weed out the lack of self-awareness and sow seeds of acceptance, truth, mindfulness, meditation, and observation.

“Without self-awareness, we are as babies in the cradle.” — Virginia Woolf